cheloya: (HOLMES >> heartless)
I was talking to mum earlier today and discovered that my maternal grandmother's (Oomee's) dementia has progressed to the point where she is having difficulty breathing and swallowing.

Which just. It fucking sucks. There is nothing I can do about it, and there's nothing I can do for my maternal grandfather (Oopee) to make this any easier on him except call him a couple times a week to give him something else to concentrate on, and nothing I can do for my mother except come along with her on visits so that she doesn't have to cry over her mother alone.

The thing that I find most distressing is that my paternal grandmother is starting to show symptoms of dementia as well, and no one on that side of the family is expending anywhere near the amount of effort my mum and her sisters went to trying to slow the progress. I've tried (and failed) to convince Dad of how important it is to get her to read and think and do simple shit with her mind to keep it going, but neither he (nor she) seem particularly fussed. I almost wish I could be that blase about it. But I don't want Oomee dying, and then having another decade of Grandma winding down the same way. But what can you do? What the fuck can you even do?
cheloya: (FF7 >> save the planet)
I sat on the bus home today realising that actually, I actively hate a significant part of my job. Specifically the bullshit that gets in the way of good writing.

So I guess that's a good thing, of a sort.

Need to care less, though. A lot less.

Starting to get hungry. Salt and pepper chicken and veggies tonight. I want to make hash browns, but I have leftover wedges in the freezer to use up. >_> Might do a bit of both, but I think a small mountain of greens may be closer to what I am craving, here.

Going to move the junk we're getting removed out the front tonight, and put on a load of washing. Tomorrow is for all the other things that we have to do, including said junk's removal, and the linoleum guy coming around to measure the floor.
cheloya: (FF7 >> i can't sleep)
Today my boss said something kinda douchey about karma and the floods on Twitter, and after much silent anger and frustration, I tweeted back to call him on it and show my disapproval, calmly, sanely, and inoffensively, because I could feel myself getting ready to fixate on it.

And then I cried for a while, because apparently I'm not allowed to suggest to people that they might have said or done the wrong thing. Why I feel guilty over this kind of thing is still a mystery to me. I'm still proud that I said what I did, though, and logically I know that I shouldn't have to feel upset about stating my mind - especially not inoffensively. Just another one of those things that I should mention to my psych tomorrow, I guess.
cheloya: (FF7 >> girls girls what have we done)
1) We signed the lease and picked up the keys to the house yesterday. ^^ Went and sat in the air con for a while, and showed D, since he still hadn't seen it.

2) Tom and Bec are engaged! fasjdfhakjsh! :D :D :D :D :D

3) I am kinda weepy today. Blaming the Tangled soundtrack for setting me off, and the week was pretty long and stressful, but I don't really have any reason to be unhappy about anything, so I'm confused.

4) NEARLY finished Maddie's Christmas present. :D.

I'm gonna go eat some tomato and cheese crackers, because they are tasty as hell and make everything better. Then I am going to think seriously about packing up things in the kitchen that we don't need for the next week. And a meal plan. Because I want to be living on soup and toast by about Wednesday.

Should also probably think about when we are dismantling furniture this week. Should do most of that tomorrow, I suspect.
cheloya: (DISNEY >> companions)
A year ago I would have spent the night in tears because I hadn't:
- put on more than one load of washing
- exercised
- written at least 2000 words
- drawn all your christmas commissions
- cooked dinner

Today, I put on one load of washing, did not write or exercise, drew the base for one icon, lay down on the couch when I started to feel headachey, and ordered pizza instead of cooking.

And I am proud of me for that.
cheloya: (HARK >> unrestrained admiration)
Mostly because... well, we broke the TV today, and I am much better at coping when there is something to cope about. Go figure. D was pretty upset, purely because expensive shit shouldn't break like that, dammit (especially when it is my expensive shit that he was fiddling with, so he was worried). I'll get on to the company when everyone opens again and I'm sure we'll be fine. Just. Gah. Fucking firmware upgrades. Televisions should be televisions, not computers in disguise.

Spent most of the evening playing FFXIII on the other television, and am getting to like the paradigm system. Having said that, the star system makes little to no sense to me. Oh well. I am just fighting Monster Truck Bulbasaur (or Protoflorian or whatever its actual name is), so not doing too badly for the equivalent of about eight hours' play. I'm running out of nodes in the Crystarium, anyway.

Dunno what I'm up to for the rest of this week - washing, culling, and finishing off people's Christmas gifts, I suppose. Right now, it is time for bed - with The Thousand and One Nights, and my spectacles, because the print is too damn small in my most grimy and ancient hardcover.

Someone make me write some more F&F tomorrow if it's not sunny enough to go to Garden City.
cheloya: (HOLMES >> a word in your ear)
I can't even remember what last night's were about, but I seem to be having to do a wild variety of things in the dreams. Presumably I am worried about what I have to do between here and ... well, whenever, really. It's probably because I haven't really processed it all.

Next Saturday I'm going out for Neek's 21st, then back to work on Tuesday. I'll need to spend most of that week on the phone to real estate agents, organising inspections. Then D's mum is coming to stay for a weekend before she has her shoulder surgery. Wicked is in the week after that.

We have to move some time in February, so we'll need a bit of time off for that. I'm kinda worried about getting it all packed up, so I need to start culling my possessions again.

And I'm not sure if it's sad music playing in the background or a genuine inability to cope with this, but, well.

This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult.


Dec. 23rd, 2010 08:12 am
cheloya: (BLEACH >> fail fail and oh fail)
Twitter is really broken right now.

Christmas dinner with Dad's side tonight. I am apparently anxious about interacting with them, especially about my grandmother pulling me aside specifically to tell me how fat I have gotten since I last saw her. This happens every time I see her. It is not news. I am just feeling a little like I can't deal with it today. Just in time for Christmas. Nice timing, moodfail.

Am sleeping later and later. I think it's nearly time for monthly moodfail, just in time for a week off in which I have to occupy myself, so... not actually looking forward to my break any more. Need to work out how to keep pumping motivationally. Exercise in the morning would help if I could make myself get out of bed for it, but I can't right now.

And apparently all is fucking despair, I don't know, assume this is my hormones talking. How daft.
cheloya: (PA >> bibliophilia)
Worked from home again today. Apparently the news was sufficiently upsetting to set me off. I had highs and lows throughout the day, but I think terrible sleep was to blame. Probably only had two or three hours last night. Mostly because it was muggy, I think. Hopefully I do better tonight.

Got a call back from the real estate agent about this house; we have an inspection on Friday. I'm seriously hoping that we get it, although I want to see the promised three bedrooms before I get too excited about it.

Picked up four nail polish colours with some of the vouchers from my Red Hat Rewards - all OPI because I like to splurge like that. My favourite is Bastille My Heart, but Who the Shrek are You? and Simmer and Shimmer are pretty, too. Yoga-ta Get This Blue is, uh, more matte than I expected, which is a little annoying, but oh well.

The cat is learning that if he reminds me of his existence while I am cooking, I save scraps of meat for him. >_> Probably should cut that out before he turns sneakthief on me.

I have a few creative endeavours I wouldn't mind getting started on, but for the moment I suspect the best I can do is finish reading another book and maybe plot a little.

It is muggy enough that I have to put my hair up. :( I am going to die in January.


Nov. 26th, 2010 06:57 pm
cheloya: (HOLMES >> heartless)
I'm very melancholy today. Back to, if I stop thinking about something too long, I start to be sad. I think it's just because I'm tired, but I can never be sure, and that frustrates me. It's also possible that I'm getting close to being on my period... but I think I'm a week early, even for a short cycle. So that's a little frustrating, and weird.

Despite that, the requirements doc for EAP6 is well and truly done. I have notified the people who need to approve it. We are all shiny. I just need to spend the next two weeks on writing topic lists for each book, and assigning people to them.

It would be really awesome if we could have documents that highlighted different sections depending on the logged-in user reading them. I'm just saying. I wish I could think of a way to do that that wasn't riddled with JavaScript.

Giving NaNo another good hard college try this weekend. Wish me luck!
cheloya: (DISNEY >> it's a trap!)
So yesterday I had a really awesome afternoon and made some great headway in planning for the next release. Then I came home, watched a disturbing movie, and spent the rest of the night feeling about half an inch from tears, and very nearly cried myself to sleep. Managed to calm down before I actually slept, thankfully.

Today, I had a similarly productive afternoon. So now I'm going to keep doing productive things, in an effort not to sink back into that mood. That means writing until D gets hungry and does the dishes, cooking and eating dinner while we watch less-disturbing TV, and then either gaming or coming back to writing, depending on what I feel like at that point.

Somewhere in there, I'm going to figure out why the fuck my iPad doesn't automatically transfer purchases back. >:\ It's beginning to shit me.
cheloya: (PKMN >>lickingggg)
This week was pretty good aside from the lack of sleep and the agitation. I can't even remember, seriously. I know I raged a bit during it, but I think I'm over it now.

Had another psych appointment on Friday, where we discussed my sleepfail in my higher moods. He has suggested the sleep efficiency method, which goes something like this:

On Friday night, I was in bed from 12pm to 9.30am. I slept from about 12.30 to about 9.15. (Note: This is because I slept NOT AT ALL on Thursday night.) This means that I had 8h sleep out of 8.5 hours in bed, which is about 95% sleep efficiency - which is AWESOME. If only I hadn't had 0% sleep efficiency the previous night, I'd be cured!

A better example is last night. I went to bed at 2.30am, got up at 10.30am. I slept from about 3.30am to 10.30am, except for one or two half hour wakeups, so we call that 6 out of 8 hours in bed, which is 75% sleep efficiency.

The goal is to regularly hit 85% sleep efficiency and teach myself that bed is where sleep happens, as opposed to where tossing and turning and wishing for sleep drugs happens.

To do that, what I do is measure my sleep patterns for a week and figure out what my average sleep time is. Then, I work backward from the time I have to be up (6am) and make that sleep time 85% of when I go to bed. If I hit less than 85% sleep efficiency, I go to bed half an hour later. If I hit more, half an hour earlier, to try to extend the period I am asleep without dropping my percentage too low.

This is maybe the worst possible week to try this, what with being on 6pm - 2am schedule for most of the week. XD But at very least it should be interesting.

Hoping I should have some time for NaNo while I'm recovering from the meetings, both in the afternoon before they start, and on Wednesday when I am recovering from them. Had another, "Oh, duh!" moment while I was playing Dirge last night, which may require some slight reworking, but not much, and explains a little better why Lana is there, which is good. She doesn't need to have a random sharing moment with Reno in Wutai any more, anyway, which is awesome, because that scene didn't make much sense.

My boy is nearly done cleaning the kitchen. <3 He's a good boy. Time to go mess it up making lunch, I suppose.
cheloya: (0PUNC >> and counting)
And I've only done a half hour of writing today, so that's not bad. If I can pick it up again and don't spend too much time in front of the TV tonight, I should be fine. (Update: Spent more than an hour in front of the TV and am really tired now. Ugh.)

I'm starting to get back into the voices, which is great. Yesterday felt stilted and awful. Today feels less so. (Except that I'm tired, so I'm writing really slowly and distractedly now.)

The Belgium trip may yet be on, which is a little worrying as it means I kind of have to be at the airport at ridiculous o' clock next Saturday. Which. Um. :( Did not want. Everyone is very happy for me except me. I'm sure it will be fine, and it's a really good idea for someone to go along, but... I don't really want to leave the country for five days, in ten days. It sounds ludicrous even in my journal. But it's yet to be approved. We're just trying to dragonforce it.

Because writing two presentations inside six working days is totally how you go about winning hearts and minds. :| Save me. Save me. Please.
cheloya: (BLEACH >> fail fail and oh fail)
Not sure what the go is with my mood at the moment. Really low, starting Friday afternoon. I forgot my pills yesterday, but I've forgotten a few times in the last three weeks without my mood going utterly kaput, so I really am not sure what is happening. I shouldn't be in a hormonally low state at this point, so it's a little strange that this is occurring. Perhaps it's just that there's not as much excitement/stress keeping me wired. Perhaps it's that I got up late.

Whatever it is, it can fuck off any time it likes.

I have Japanese Lime tea and a broken washing machine and we have pulled apart and poked at the washing machine, and rescued an extremely corroded coin from the pump housing. Perhaps now it will wash our clothes.
cheloya: (HOLMES >> a word in your ear)
Today was:
(a) very long*
(b) lunch with the girls
(c) the day after EAP 5.1 went out
(d) my first day of sad since last Friday
(e) my first full tablet day
(f) all of the above

I think I was sad because I was dealing with the stuff we hadn't managed to complete in time, but who knows, I could have been sad because after I'm done tidying I'm kind of at loose ends.

If I think about when it happened, though, I was actually sad over the fact that I should probably go to Belgium for this meeting** and I... don't really want to. I know it's a fantastic opportunity - both for me, and for the business, and I really agree that someone should go, and that it makes sense for that person to be me - but I really don't want to deal with the stress of getting ready for a meeting that's in Belgium in five weeks when my best friend's wedding is just under three weeks away and there will be enough stress associated with that.

Once again, obligation meets desire to do no such thing, and everybody has to hear about it.


* I mean very long, I could hardly get out of bed and it did not improve

** I have been invited to Antwerp, Belgium, for a meeting to plan the next massive product. I know right! How awesome! But seriously. Belgium. By myself. Where the languages are Dutch and French and German. ...they must have SUCH AWESOME FOOD. But I don't have a passport, and I am leery of going to a foreign country by myself.


Sep. 27th, 2010 10:52 pm
cheloya: (VOLSTOV >> the balcony scene)
Have to say one thing about the happy pills: my desire to stay up until ridiculous o' clock is intact. No desire to go to bed right now what. so. ever. But I really should because it is eleven on a school night and I have meetings in the morning.
cheloya: (VOLSTOV >> details schmetails)
First things first: Shin Petshop 8 was okay, I guess. I'm kind of. Tiring of this series stringing me along. I keep buying it in the hope that some remnant of the overarching plot will show up, but I'm losing faith that it will. The art is pretty, though.

Secondly, have the playlist I am using to cheer myself up at the moment. )

I didn't get much done today - like, at all. We arrived late and there were lots of interruptions and I couldn't concentrate, so today never really started, so I've been in a really shitty braindead upset mood all day. Trying to work out a way of getting myself out of it, which at the moment consists of:
- listening to the above playlist at full volume
- writing out the psychology stuff I've been avoiding all month because dealing with it makes me miserable
- promising myself I can work from home tomorrow if I'm feeling the same way in the morning, or at the very least that I will go and find myself a conference room to hole up in

On the bright side, apparently I make Java work entirely by magic, as nothing I had on my machine SHOULD have worked correctly... but did. Helpful coworker has decided not to touch it, and that I should just keep doing what I'm doing. Whatever that is.


Jul. 30th, 2010 10:07 pm
cheloya: (POKEMON >> easy as can be)




(Not energetic, or even all synapses firing, just... chatty? Chipper? Interested. Normal. YAY.)
cheloya: (BLEACH >> fail fail and oh fail)
Even as I write this the voice is telling me I'm just a drama queen, and if I tried harder I wouldn't be ruining my relationship with my fucked up feelings, and that I could be better if I wanted to. I'm lazy, I'm a liar, I'm a loser who can't even keep herself healthy, I am a fake of epic proportions, I am a bad artist and a worse human being and I cannot be depended upon for anything.
~ Beth of All Trades, eleven days ago

This. This, this, always this, even when I know it's not true.
cheloya: (ACTIONS >> living)
Still a little flat tonight. Had a better afternoon (got about ten pages' worth converted in about three hours, which included a frustrating number of tables) but that was after two hours of presentation in which I could have gotten that whole JIRA done.

(And it was an interesting and useful presentation. But that's not the point.)

So I think I need to run through the things I accomplished today.

- made it out of bed
- made it to work, clean and fed
- fulfilled my dev phase exit responsibilities
- figured out what had to be done with the performance tuning guide when Gary leaves
- learned about mod_cluster for two hours
only there is no exam for us so we can't actually ask for more money until we're accredited but still hell yeah
- documented nearly all of the JBM>HQ information
- was awesomely analytical of the quality of the notes I received on said information
- post-it noted Gary's desk with lunch invites
- managed to get a response out of a developer :O
- responded again after work hours to keep the ball rolling
- cleared a little more of my inbox
- made a quick dinner
- did the dishes
- began to lay plans for moving to Darrin's

And in other awesome news, though not today's, my referral totally got another colleague of mine an awesome new job. I'm very happy for him. ♥

I'm feeling a little better having pushed that JIRA a little further, actually. And I'm pretty sure I've actually forgotten most of what I did today. I definitely did more than that in the morning. Oh well. Point is, I've done a LOT. SO THERE, BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

Tomorrow is psychologist day. Need to put my bag together now so I don't forget my shit, like I did last week.

Event records are hard, by the way. I'm meant to do one a day and... it doesn't often feel like enough has happened to qualify as an event. Yet at the same time, shit is bananas, so I don't know how I can't think of events to record.


cheloya: (Default)

June 2013



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